#231: 7 Things Not to Say to Someone Who Just Got Dumped

1. He/she was ugly anyways
2. Ha, dude that sucks
3. Yea, I would've dumped you too
4. There's better fish in the sea
5. Sweet, cuz I was gonna ask you out anyways. So wanna go out?
6. Awww that sucks cuz your girlfriend was awesome. She was so pretty, funny, smart, nice, athletic, and amazing. You let a good one go this time
7. I hate to break it to you, but he/she never actually liked you.

#175: The Accountant's Garbage Bin

If I were to go through the garbage bin of an accountant, I'm sure I would find:

• Broken pencils, dead pens, dry markers, broken calculators, dead batteries, misprinted paper

If I dug deeper, I might find:

• McDonald's and Burger King wrappers, business cards of clients, pop cans, unwanted mail, paperwork that probably does not honestly give the government what they're due

If it was a male accountant:

• Scrapped March Madness brackets, fantasy football rosters, paper footballs, certain Sports Illustrated magazines that executives probably have trouble with their male employees over about once a year

If it was a female accountant:

• Used lipstick, discarded mirrors, chocolate wrappers, breath mints, various other makeup things, numbers that male clients might have written on the back of a receipt and slid across the table akwardly (don't be so quick to judge, maybe I'm talking about an account number)

#31: The Blue-colored Keyboard Brushes

Oh blue-colored keyboard brushes, you hang on your velcro rectangles on the computer tower with such dignity. Nobody ever uses you to clean the keyboard, but you don'y complain. You simply hang, neglected on the left side of the computer tower that faces the monitor. Your color is a nice translucent blue, but that doesn't matter. You could be made of beautiful stain-glassed windows and still no one would acknowledge your presence. There are two of you, one big and one small. I try in vain to discover the importance of your different sizes. Perhaps one is for the number pad while the other is for the letters that see their fair share of dirtying-up. Or perhaps one is for the monitor and the other for the keyboard. Sometimes I take you away from your velcro homes out of boredom, just to replace you without fulfilling your duty. What kind of life must that be? Only seldom do you touch the keyboard and even then you do not remove but the finest particles of grime or dead skin or whatever. You are graced by the words SEP Learning Center and just SEP. I don't even know what that stands for! If only I could undersatnd what you go through. All I know is that you came from a place that Ford Motor Company used to own for its employess and my dad picked you up for the simple purpose of cleaning our keyboard. My how you have been neglected. I will remember your toil from now on and provide the affection you have not received because of your living under the shadows of the brilliant monitor.

I'm just kidding, I really could care less. But hey, at least I gave you some positive exposure.

#7: 12 things to do when the power goes out

First off, here's a funny story. Actually it's not funny but it's true and coincidental...
This year, right when we started reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, which by the way is 10,000 times better than Scarlet Letter, I downloaded the audiobook onto my Ipod (I'll take the extra credit for that now, Keirn:)). Anyways, the power went out as I was beginning to read, so I got out flashlights and a neon light that I hadn't installed in my car yet and began to read and listen to the audiobook with my parents via computer speakers. I read like 8 chapters that night (They're long chapters). Then we played the Monopoly card game around the coffee table, during which my mom injured her back. ....

Anyways:
1. Read
2. Freak out when the lantern that is never used because we never go camping is a.) nowhere to be found or b.)out of power and needs to be charged
3. Eat (always a solid choice to fall back on in case of any emergency)
4. Round up the crappy flashlights and have a family pow-wow in the living room
5. Listen to a transistor radio
6. Ipods dont need to always be plugged in! In your face, electriciy, you can try to stop us from listening to music, but alas, it is the 21st century
7. Sing (yea, I admit that's really cheesy and not what I would do, but its one more thing to add to the list). Although I might suggest Kumbaya for starters
8. Go outside and do something, even if its dark
9. Sleep
10. Call the neighbors and act really concerned even though the situation is totally out of your hands (yea grown-ups, that's you)
11. Flick the lightswitches every once-in-awhile just to make sure the electricity isn't fooling around with you
12. Live in your car for a few hours (although not flashy, this is probably very reliable as it provides lights and speakers and power, even if it means your car's battery dies the next day and you can't drive to school or work.... awww man)

It's really easy to love Thomas Edison but once the power goes off, try not to pull a Benedict Arnold on him. I'm sure he was a cool guy anyways, even if his invention isn't fool-proof